rude jokes for a cold and wet saturday afternoon (over 18 )
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redline
- *** V3M DONOR ***
- Posts: 5432
- Joined: 05 Oct 2004 10:18 am
- Location: MILTON KEYNES , ENGLAND
What would you do?
This test only has one question, but it's an important one.
Don't answer without giving it serious thought.
After the test you will be able to judge your moral turpitude.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional
situation, where you will have to make an important
decision. Remember, your answer must be honest but spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly - this is important for the test to work correctly.
You're in Florida...
In Miami, to be exact.
There is chaos all around you - caused by a hurricane and flooding...
..torrents of water all over you.
You are a CNN photographer....
..in the middle of this disaster .....
... trying to take a Pulitzer prize-winning photo.
Houses and people are floating around you, disappearing into the water...
..nature showing its destructive power...... ripping everything away.
Suddenly you see a man, steering a big van...
He is fighting to prevent the van being washed away by the water and mud...
You look closer...
..and, suddenly, you recognize him - it's George W. Bush!
The raging waters are about to sweep him away, forever...
You have two options. You can save the life of George W., or you can shoot
the picture of your life...the death of the world's most powerful man.
So, here's the question: (Please give an honest answer)
Black & white or color?
This test only has one question, but it's an important one.
Don't answer without giving it serious thought.
After the test you will be able to judge your moral turpitude.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional
situation, where you will have to make an important
decision. Remember, your answer must be honest but spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly - this is important for the test to work correctly.
You're in Florida...
In Miami, to be exact.
There is chaos all around you - caused by a hurricane and flooding...
..torrents of water all over you.
You are a CNN photographer....
..in the middle of this disaster .....
... trying to take a Pulitzer prize-winning photo.
Houses and people are floating around you, disappearing into the water...
..nature showing its destructive power...... ripping everything away.
Suddenly you see a man, steering a big van...
He is fighting to prevent the van being washed away by the water and mud...
You look closer...
..and, suddenly, you recognize him - it's George W. Bush!
The raging waters are about to sweep him away, forever...
You have two options. You can save the life of George W., or you can shoot
the picture of your life...the death of the world's most powerful man.
So, here's the question: (Please give an honest answer)
Black & white or color?
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dynamite40
- Posts: 44
- Joined: 24 Dec 2006 05:48 pm
- Location: west midlands uk
ha hahaha ha
nice one guys 
To the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
3. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline") -roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.
10. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer." Those of you brave enough will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776.
Thank you for your co-operation.
John Cleese
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
3. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline") -roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.
10. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer." Those of you brave enough will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776.
Thank you for your co-operation.
John Cleese
* Disclaimer
One of the above statements may or may not be true - but probably not.
Mors Principium Est
Now a proud member of YCHJCYA2PDTHFH club
One of the above statements may or may not be true - but probably not.
Mors Principium Est
Now a proud member of YCHJCYA2PDTHFH club
this one is a bit late but still worth a giggle
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Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, nonaddictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practised within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.
I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make Britain great (not to imply that Britain is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "Britain" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wishee.
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:
This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.
This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher...
Disclaimer:
No trees were harmed in the sending of this message, however, a significant number of electrons were inconvenienced
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, nonaddictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practised within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.
I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make Britain great (not to imply that Britain is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "Britain" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wishee.
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:
This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.
This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher...
Disclaimer:
No trees were harmed in the sending of this message, however, a significant number of electrons were inconvenienced
* Disclaimer
One of the above statements may or may not be true - but probably not.
Mors Principium Est
Now a proud member of YCHJCYA2PDTHFH club
One of the above statements may or may not be true - but probably not.
Mors Principium Est
Now a proud member of YCHJCYA2PDTHFH club
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V6 Man
- *** V3M DONOR ***
- Posts: 1204
- Joined: 27 Jul 2004 11:36 pm
- Location: Belper, Derbyshire UK
- Contact:
This thread is entirely inappropriate for a family forum about cars. Some of the jokes are funny - even some of the rude ones, but it is not suitable material for V3M.
I'm especially ashamed that it was started by a moderator, shouldn't he be setting a good example?
I'm especially ashamed that it was started by a moderator, shouldn't he be setting a good example?
Terms and conditions apply. This post may go down as well as up. Regulated by the Financial Services Authority. Hard hats to be worn. No reversing without a banksman. No admittance to unauthorized persons. Stop that. Put that down. Leave that alone.
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foggyjames
- *** V3M DONOR ***
- Posts: 9361
- Joined: 29 Jan 2004 04:20 am
- Location: Nottingham, UK
Guys...we all like a bit of a giggle, and I have no problem with risque humour....but isn't this sailing a bit close to the wind? Perhaps the odd joke once in a while is ok, but I think what's relayed verbally between friends in a pub is very different to what we lay out in black and white (well....beige) for the world to see.
Anyway, the one about the Essex girls was originally about nuns...I mean get it right...
Consider this thread lockz0rzed.
cheers
James
Anyway, the one about the Essex girls was originally about nuns...I mean get it right...
Consider this thread lockz0rzed.
cheers
James
VOC 300-series Register Keeper
'89 740 Turbo Intercooler
'88 360 Turbo Intercooler
'85 360 GLT
'81 343 GLS R-Sport
'79 343 DL
'70 164
...and some modern FWD nonsense to get me to work...
'89 740 Turbo Intercooler
'88 360 Turbo Intercooler
'85 360 GLT
'81 343 GLS R-Sport
'79 343 DL
'70 164
...and some modern FWD nonsense to get me to work...