Joke

[SoLaMaNdA]

Well worth a read

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween
party.

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party
alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said
she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need
for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and
away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain
and as it was still early, decided go to the party.
As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would
have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was
not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume,
cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick"
he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he
left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.
She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear
and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and made passionate love in the back seat.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and
put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of
explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of
time he had.
"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're
not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell
you, I never even danced one dance.
When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went
into the spare room and played poker all evening"

You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all
night!"
she said with unashamed sarcasm.
To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad,
apparently he had the time of his life."

[A M R]

hold on, wasnt this joke told a while ago but with the guy being her brother?

[redline]

I think it was one of the ones that got deleted under the good taste ruling (mind you it was nicked from the MK2 Dub club forum in the first place lol )

[Vart]

two souls were on their way to heaven when they saw two leopards
"AH! Leopards" they cried
the leopards being polite said nothing.

read that in a pub a week ago

[A M R]

^^ they didnt realise they were dead? either thats not funny, or its so funny i dont get it

[Vart]

i had to have it explained to me. its not hugely funny but worth a chuckle (ish).

[pyro]

British Navy Vs Irish

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the
British and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 98 Radio conversation released by the Chief of
Naval Operations 10-10-01:

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision

IRISH: Negative You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British navy ship I say again, divert YOUR course

IRISH: Negative I say again you will have to divert YOUR course

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO
ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP

IRISH: We are a lighthouse

[pyro]

Why English Teachers Retire Young

Actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two
sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances
like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like
a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without
one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the
country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at
a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.coli and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog
makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated
because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a
surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way
a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag
filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an
eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another
city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m.instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when
you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across
the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one
having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other
from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck,either,
but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on
a land mine or something.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was
the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap,
only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,
this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not
eating for a while.

22. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds
who had also never met.

23. The ballerina raised gracefully en pointe and extended one
slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around
with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard
bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to
put in any pH cleanser.

27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple
it to the wall.

[A M R]

lol now thats funny.

kind of reminds me of the one about the british and the germans:


british: mayday mayday!

germans: hallo? zis is de deutsche navy. kannst du hear me?

british: yes we can hear you. help!

germans: vot is de problem?

british: were sinking!

germans: so vot are you sinking about?

[Nick C]

The Lighthouse one is usually told with an American ship and a Canadian lighthouse.

An Englishman and a Scotsman are talking outside a bar, when their Irish friend comes out. The Irishman tells them how he just got away with ordering his pint, chatting to the barman for a bit while he drank it, then informing the barman that he paid when he ordered.

The Englishman thinks this sounds like a good idea, so he goes in and tries it, successfully. He then wanders back outside, and tells the others.

The Scot, thinking he's onto something good, then goes into the bar. He orders a pint, and starts chatting to the barman. Nearing the end, the barman says "You know, it's disgraceful. These two blokes came in, ordered pints, then walked out without paying"

The Scot replies "You're right, that is disgraceful, I'd be more watchful of that if I were you. It's about closing time now, so if you'd just give me my change, I'll go and look for them for you"

[Chris_C]

Pyro, they rock!

And whilst I'd heard the first with the American and Canadian, hadnt heard Nick's either!

[foggyjames]

^^ they didnt realise they were dead? either thats not funny, or its so funny i dont get it

Try saying "Ah! Souls" out loud...

cheers

James

[A M R]

ah okay i get it. bit crap lol